My First Love's Favorite Band

My high school sweetheart was obsessed with Sick Puppies, and I was obsessed with him, so I ended up at the Champlain Valley Fair watching them open for 3 Doors Down. We didn’t stay for “Kryptonite,” no, we got our fix of alt angst with Sick Puppies’ biggest hit.

If you’re not familiar, this is support-the-troops-core. It’s not overtly patriotic, but it’s the kind of music where half the YouTube comments wax poetic about basic training or patrolling occupied countries. There are also several million Naruto AMVs to this song. Sick Puppies has great crossover appeal to kids who were bullied and kids who were bullies.

Despite the number of Sick Puppies songs that are specifically about fighting, frontman Shimon Moore strikes me as someone who has never been in a fight. He looks like Shaggy Rogers’ mean older brother—all soul-patch and eyebrow ring. He had a brief acting career with a movie about a boy who could turn into a seal. I have to imagine he takes inspiration from fellow silver screen legend Nicolas Cage when it comes to singing; everything is whispered or screamed. At least three songs on this album, including the one at hand, feature him fake laughing like he’s got James Bond dangling over a pit of radioactive gators.

Jokes aside, the opening lines don’t fuck around, “Define your meaning of war, / to me it’s what we do when we’re bored.” See? You can read this as a critique of imperialism or some sicko warhawk shit. Yogi’s choice! The rest of the lyrics are functionally no different from “Headstrong” by Trapt, but at least you’re not listening to “Headstrong” by Trapt.

The star of any good Sick Puppies cut is always bassist Emma Anzai. The bassline on “You’re Going Down” doesn’t showcase her powerful slap chops (see “Riptide” or “Master of the Universe”) but it remains infectious, cutting through the track’s horror movie ambiance. It reminds me most of The Cranberries “Zombie”. Just undeniable. It’s rare in 2000s rock music to find a band who lets the bassist do so much work. Anzai drives the melody, and that three-note-walk down the neck never quite resolves, signaling to the listener that shit is about to explode.

(Anzai kicked Moore out of the band in 2014, and I always thought she would be better suited for the spotlight. She can sing, play guitar and bass, and co-wrote all of Puppies’ winners. Instead, some other guy sings for them now and I literally wouldn’t have noticed if someone hadn’t told me.)

In his expert breakdown of a blink-182 song, Rick Beato points out how the guitars match the bass drum and then mute to let the snare ring. This lends the snare drum a real punch, perfect to keep headbangers on beat. The same move appears in the chorus of “You’re Going Down”, and while I always find Moore’s lead guitar over-compressed, it still lands here. It’s the same simple beat as “We Will Rock You”, and it’s just as effective now as it was when Queen first overtook arenas.

Here’s the thing, Springsteen never raced cars, and even if we didn’t either, we feel like we did because we hear “Thunder Road.” Moore is no Springsteen, nor do I think he has any illusions about that, and whether or not he’s put his fist in anyone’s face is immaterial. This is about simulated experience, because the reality of violence is incredibly unpleasant. It makes sense that this and other Sick Puppies fightsongs have appeared on various pro-wrestling shows. Kayfabe the lingua franca of bands like this. Humans love to simulate stressful situations because the comedown after we’re returned to safety is a balm to the brain. No one gets off a rollercoaster and says, “That was fun, but it wasn’t honest.” (Maybe they do. I don’t know. I don’t ride rollercoasters.) Nor do we begrudge ourselves the simple thrill and release of a scary movie, so why should Sick Puppies be any different?

In Marty Robbins’ gunfighter ballad “Big Iron” we know the hero is going to win the day because the song is named after him, but that doesn’t stop Robbins from building some wonderful tension. He warns that the hero might fall to the outlaw Texas Red. And there’s great satisfaction to be found in the story’s end, the hero’s victory. “You’re Going Down” isn’t so artful in its denouement, though it gets the job done. The hook declares, “One of us is going down.” Then the bridge arrives, and Moore deadpans,

It’s the simple transformation a shy kid imagines he could make in the moment of confrontation, when he’s really hoping it never comes to that. The beat blasts back for one more breakdown, and Moore’s diet David Draiman laughs send the song home.

The abrupt ending whiplashes you into the album’s next track, “Odd One,” a quieter number for the self-identified misfits. The transition makes me laugh every time. Oh right, I’m reminded, we weren’t in any real danger. And why would we want to be?

My high school sweetheart and I spent hours in his parents’ basement, wrestling. No one ever got hurt; just an excuse to kiss. Tenderness ripened after some ritual struggle.

Do you remember the FREE HUGS video with “All The Same” on it? What songs did you listen to with your long-ago loves? I’ve been having trouble answering your bank’s security questions, help me out here.